Movie Review- Contraband

It’s movie review day here at Glitter, Bliss, and Perfect Chaos. Today, we got to choose between Mark Walhberg’s Contraband and the musically oriented Joyful Noise. If you follow this blog regularly, you’ll know we enjoy Mark’s abs and just the thought of them being present in a movie is a big draw. Plus, I really do like action filled movies.

Here’s the trailer:

The Verdict: Let’s start with Mark Wahlberg because he is obviously gonna be good in the movie. The boy can act, and he’s nice to look at.

 

So I enjoyed this movie, but there were some casting things that just plain distracted me. And no, I’m not talking about the above abs. In fact, the ab count was abysmally low. Like we saw his naked chest twice very briefly. Sad, really. And HELLO, HOLLYWOOD??!!

So there were some things in this movie that distracted me. (Obviously, I wasn’t distracted by abs.) First is this guy. Do you recognize him? He played the guy that Harry Potter uses a polyjuice potion to turn into in order to infiltrate the Ministry of Magic. He plays the big bad guy in this movie, and I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t take him seriously as the big bad guy because I kept waiting for the potion to wear off and him to turn back into Harry.

 

Then there’s Kate Beckinsale. Kate is beautiful, and I love her characters. It sorta felt like when you’re at a party, and you know you know someone, but you can’t figure out how. That’s what it was like. You kept reminding yourself, hey, that’s Kate.

Then there’s this guy, Ben Foster. Yeah, he looks a lot like Justin Timberlake. At first, I was like did he dye his hair? Which then caused me to get on my phone and google it, which caused me to miss a bit of the first part of the movie, but it was okay. Not so much was going on.

 

So back to the story…… Mark Walhberg used to be a smuggler. He was apparently fine with a life of crime, but he did have good morals, like for a criminal. Like he was okay with smuggling things like artwork and Ferraris, but he drew the line at running drugs. So the story had a good moral message.

Now granted, if my brother got in a mess like this, we’d all be screwed. We’d have to run away to Panama, try and get a tan, and hide for the rest of our lives. Luckily, Marky Mark can help out. He still has contacts on container ships, as well as in Panama, and his quest for counterfeit money went fairly easily. Sure there were a few bumps along the way that added some intense moments. A good armored car heist. A deal gone bad. The stupid brother being stupid. AGAIN! There was a twist to the story that I could see coming, but I didn’t expect initially.

And here’s a minor detail that really bugged me. So he got out of a life of crime, and has a business installing security systems in people’s homes. But when he knows the bad guy has threatened his wife, he leaves her at home in a house WITH NO security system. I’m sorry, but when you KNOW a crazed drug dealer is threatening you, wouldn’t you send the wife and kids off to Yellowstone or somewhere? Would they really continue to go to soccer games and leave their backdoor unlocked? Come on, they’re eight. Missing a soccer game isn’t gonna matter. Wouldn’t that be better than seeing mommy with a gun to her head? And when you’re on a tight time frame from the bad guys, would you really chose to cruise in a container ship to and from the Panama Canal from Louisiana? I’m not sure, but aren’t those things kinda slow? Hang on. I’ll be right back. Yes. Sometimes ships will sit for a day or so, just waiting to get through the canal. And those ships are indeed very slow. Whatever. Back to the movie.

So I liked this guy. Things were going pretty darn good. I knew he had a past, but I liked that he’d overcome of it and made something of himself. And well, he had a pretty amazing face, gorgeous abs, and that blue collar toughness. He took me to more dive bars than I’d ever been to. (And that’s saying a lot!) But we had so much fun. Then my STUPID brother calls one night and like practically ruins everything. And although I thought he’d totally be my happily ever after, he left. Yes, I know. He went to help my brother, and that’s super sweet and all, and I appreciate it. But he left me alone! And nice things did not happen to me. Like I almost DIED! Actually, I thought I was dead. But then, just in the nick of time, he like rode in on his horse and rescued me. Just like a fairytale. So parts of my night were kinda fairytale like, other parts were like the worst date ever. Which means I like him, even though I know I probably shouldn’t. I’m gonna hope he starts stalking me, otherwise, I may have to consider him a hookup. And I really don’t wanna, but I can’t help it. The imagine of us rolling around on a bed of money keeps creeping into my mind.

Just a reminder of how we rank movies here at Glitter, Bliss, and Perfect Chaos:

One Star = Walk of shame. I was in last night’s dress, carrying my shoes as I rushed off. I can’t believe I wasted my time on him and pray no one I know sees me.

Two Stars = Bad date. He didn’t really do anything wrong, we just didn’t have any chemistry. Maybe he just wasn’t my type. I probably won’t answer if he calls.

Three Stars =Hookup. We had a great night together. Don’t know if it will be more than that, but it was sure fun while it lasted.

Four Stars = Stalking him. What a night! We danced, we kissed. Now if I could just get him to call me.

Five Stars = Happily ever after. I love him! I want to marry him, have his babies, and live happily ever after.

I was once told that you should always keep one of your Christmas decorations out year-round, so you will feel the spirit of Christmas all year long. I do that at home, so I feel it is reasonable to do here on the blog. So we decided to keep him out because he’s so damn adorable and totally how I picture Phillip from my books, That Boy and the upcoming, That Wedding.