Friday Film Review – Columbiana

It’s Movie Review Day here at Glitter, Bliss, and Perfect Chaos. Today we’re seeing the movie, Columbiana. Here’s what I’m expecting. Someone is going to kick some ass, get revenge for their family, kill the bad guys, and still have time to fall in love. Sounds like my kind of movie. The twist is that the person doing all this is a woman. Which could make the movie super amazing or super lame.

Here’s the trailer.

The Verdict: This movie has a lot of things going for it. Zoe Saldana (Star Trek, Avatar) is beautiful. Her love interest, Michael Vartan (Never Been Kissed, Alias) is a hottie, and worthy of a MANday post.

I feel like I’m torn between two lovers on this movie. Zoe Saldana was amazing. She’s a really good actress. I felt her pain, her need for revenge. She has a hot artist guy that she’s hooking up with.

This is where the movie started to get away from me. She’s hooking up with a hot artist. She shows up at his place anytime she wants to get busy. I’m sorry, but in the real world, some guy that hot would not be sitting home alone painting whenever she decides to show up. He’d be in bed with someone else. Then she probably would have gotten pissed and had to kill him. Which might have made the movie more interesting, but I digress.

So as much as I like Zoe and Michael, I never really felt the chemistry between them. Maybe how they met, or started hooking up, ended up on the cutting room floor, but I just didn’t get it. Of course, all fairy tales end with them falling in love. And he does. But how did he fall in love with a woman he knows nothing about? She won’t tell him anything. He only knows her first name. The rest of the movie is extremely predictable. Really predictable, and way too easy. Yes, she has a dark moment. Yes, we want her to get her revenge, but her revenge was way too easy. So since I was a little boredish, I thought maybe I could at least learn a few things from the movie that I could pass on to you.

Here they are:

1.  When you’re playing assassin, you should not wear a bra, but when you go to hook up with your hottie artist, do wear a bra. This maybe makes you seem more normal?

2.  If you decide to run a ponzi scheme, manage to get away with it, and flee to Mexico to live out your life with booze and women -DO NOT build a pool with sharks swimming in it. Cool as it may be, it will surely come back to haunt you.

3. After you kill people, be sure to clean your gun, and please do so while suggestively sucking on a lollipop. Even when you are alone.

4.  Don’t ever let a hookup take photos of you in bed because he will show his friends.

5.  Always have an armoured car at your disposal.

6.  If you get into a fight in a bathroom, a towel and a toothbrush can be very useful weapons.

7.  Always wear a belt, it might save your life.

8.  Your booty call CAN fall in love with you……….ahhhh, the movies…..

So basically, I have to say this movie was kinda a BAD DATE. He didn’t do anything wrong, we just didn’t have any chemistry. He talked and talked all night, but I was bored. I kept myself entertained by texting and tweeting under the table, updating my facebook status, then called my friend from the bathroom so we could meet at the club later. When he offered to buy me coffee after dinner, I politely declined and shook his hand. Then I hopped in the cab and went to the club to find someone who could capture my attention. Like at least for tonight. And he looked like this……


Just a reminder of how we rank movies here at Glitter, Bliss, and Perfect Chaos:

One Star = Walk of shame.  I was in last night’s dress, carrying my shoes as I rushed off. I can’t believe I wasted my time on him and pray no one I know sees me.                Two Stars = Bad date. He didn’t really do anything wrong, we just didn’t have any chemistry. Maybe he just wasn’t my type. I probably won’t answer if he calls.              Three Stars = Hookup. We had a great night together. Don’t know if it will be more than that, but it was sure fun while it lasted.                                                                          Four Stars = Stalking him. What a night! We danced, we kissed. Now if I could just get him to call me.                                                                                                                                Five Stars = Happily ever after. I love him! I want to marry him, have his babies, and live happily ever after.